SOMEWHERE OVER THE BELTWAY
Ancient Tales from the Land of Nod 10
Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away there was the Land of Nod and its king, Barry the First O’Bama. Fear stalked the Land of Nod. The Dreaded Deficit Default Dragon had the country by the proverbial gonads. King Barry had tried everything to slay the dreaded beast, making deals with the scurrilous, despicable beings that inhabited the fetid swamp Inside the Beltline, but to no avail.
There was only one entity that could save the day; and Barry O’ must bow down and worship before the feet of this deity, the closest thing to perfection (minus the weight issue) found in the wide world. The king must do obeisance to “she who must be obeyed” Empress Oprah the First.
Empress Oprah the First was a cross between Maya Angelo, Ella Fitzgerald (another black Irish), Mother Theresa…and Monte Hall. She was a saint, She gave whole studio audiences brand new chariots, her Scroll of the Month Club selections were bought by serfs and villains who’d never read a scroll in their lives (unless the scroll contained a fold–out of an adult nature), she was a license to print money.
The amazing thing about the Empress Oprah is that she had at one time been a Banshee, a humble member of the media (yeah, like anyone in the media has ever been humble), one of the multitude with two names. How had she become one of the pantheon of one named gods like Mohammad, Confucius, Buddha, Jesus, and Elvis? How had she evolved to godhood?
Who cares? Just know that she had. Empress Oprah was all that and a bag of chips. She was as close to omnipotent as one could be without being Lady Gaga, plus she had helped King Barry become Nod’s ruler in the first place (along with Sir George of Sorus, assorted socialists, communists, the lamestream media, and the Knight’s Templar). Empress Oprah could help Barry O’ defeat the Dreaded Deficit Default Dragon with one wave of her magnificent (though rather fleshy) hand. But what would she want from the good king in return? She had it all: fame, wealth, free dental, what could Barry give her that to her was beyond price?
Remember King Barry’s attributes: smart, good looking, hot wife, cute kids…sweet left-handed fade away jump shot…hmmm….King Barry’s task was clear. Teach Empress Oprah the shot and she would singlehandedly lay low the Dreaded Deficit Default Dragon. To help, King Barry called upon another deity, His Airness, Sir Michael of Jordan. His Airness gave the Empress the latest Nike’s (in pink – hightops – she loved them) and Ye Olde Hanes Underwear (which she gave to Duke Stedman the Bland) and proceeded to teach her the move King Barry had made famous.
Empress Oprah got it down! She mastered the move. Delighted, not only did she take out the Dreaded Deficit Default Dragon, she also solved both Ye Olde NFL and NBA issues so the seasons could be saved, which most Noddiens thought far more serious than the BS about the deficit.
So King Barry got what he wanted, saved the nation, looked like a hero, and lived happily ever after….until the next crisis….coming soon to a blog near you on Ancient Tales from the Land of Nod in SOMEWHERE OVER THE BELTWAY.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
SOMEWHERE OVER THE BELTWAY 9
SOMEWHERE OVER THE BELTWAY
Ancient Tales from the Land of Nod 9
Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away there was the Land of Nod and its king, Barry the First O’Bama (truly Black Irish, so) the most powerful ruler in the wide world. He was king because he was young (his last opponent was Sir John McOldguy), good-looking (Sir John might have been - 117 years ago), a nice palace (Sir John had 7 of them but couldn’t remember where they were) and a sweet left handed fade-away jump shot (Sir John just faded away after 4:30 dinner at Luby’s). He should have had it all. Yet unless he could figure out how to save Nod from the Dreaded Deficit Default Dragon, he would be forever doomed to be stuck INSIDE THE BELTWAY.
So how does one slay the Dreaded Deficit Default Dragon, I hear you asking. King Barry was asking his advisors the same question: Sir Timothy of Goldman-Sacs, the Chancellor of the Exchequer suggested Ye Olde TARP 2.0 and was immediately flogged and driven from the room; Ye Olde Fed Chairman Ben the Bearded suggested they send a hobbit with a magic ring to do in the Dragon but got shouted down for being too derivative; King Barry’s Counselari, Joey the Mouth’s solution was to declare victory, go home and let the next guy worry about it (might work fine in Ye Olde Afghanistan, but not against the Dreaded Deficit Default Dragon). So much for his crack advice team, thought the goode king, also thinking he could ask advice from Sir Dennis the Elfin who usually acted like he was ON crack, but no... The solution, one that would unite Trolls, Ogres, Dwarves, Banshees, Pixies, Fat Cats and Muggles, plus Tea Baggers and assorted goblins and Ewoks, must come from him. After all, hadn’t he descended from a long line of Black Irish kings of Nod, even if the Tea Baggers STILL questioned his long-form birth certificate?
But I digress. Maybe he could sell the Dreaded Deficit Default Dragon to some sap third world country, but France had its own problems. How about selling it to the Gnomes? They lived high atop a golden mountain surrounded by chocolate (It wasn’t Willy Wanka Land but it was close). The Gnomes were the original Fat Cats, having been around in the wide world far longer than the Land of Nod. Their wealth was immense, the ultimate old money. It was said the Gnomes got their cash from the Knights Templar. Others said it was from the Illuminati, some speculated it came from winning big at Caesar’s Palace (the original don’t you know), still others figured the Ye Olde Travelocity gig was finally paying off. The Gnomes could certainly afford to buy and keep the beast, but to what purpose? The Gnomes passed.
King Barry O’ could try sell the Dreaded Deficit Default Dragon to Sir Warren the Buffeteria. Sir Warren was the richest dude in the wide world by a long shot. The Fattest of the Fat Cats. The Biggest of the Big. But Sir Warren and Prince Bill of Geeklahoma, among other of the uber-rich, were in the process of GIVING half their fortunes away to help stamp out diseases in third world countries and other lame ideas. They wouldn’t buy the Dreaded Deficit Default Dragon either.
What would Barry’s next move be? Who was big enough, stupendous enough, loved enough, popular enough, worshipped enough…other than Duke David Hasslehoff of course, to help him turn the tide, defeat the beast and bring peace, love and understanding to the mighty Land of Nod?
Don’t fail to miss our next exciting episode “Does the Name Oprah Ring a Bell?” Tune in for of Ancient Tales from the Land of Nod in SOMEWHERE OVER THE BELTWAY.
Ancient Tales from the Land of Nod 9
Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away there was the Land of Nod and its king, Barry the First O’Bama (truly Black Irish, so) the most powerful ruler in the wide world. He was king because he was young (his last opponent was Sir John McOldguy), good-looking (Sir John might have been - 117 years ago), a nice palace (Sir John had 7 of them but couldn’t remember where they were) and a sweet left handed fade-away jump shot (Sir John just faded away after 4:30 dinner at Luby’s). He should have had it all. Yet unless he could figure out how to save Nod from the Dreaded Deficit Default Dragon, he would be forever doomed to be stuck INSIDE THE BELTWAY.
So how does one slay the Dreaded Deficit Default Dragon, I hear you asking. King Barry was asking his advisors the same question: Sir Timothy of Goldman-Sacs, the Chancellor of the Exchequer suggested Ye Olde TARP 2.0 and was immediately flogged and driven from the room; Ye Olde Fed Chairman Ben the Bearded suggested they send a hobbit with a magic ring to do in the Dragon but got shouted down for being too derivative; King Barry’s Counselari, Joey the Mouth’s solution was to declare victory, go home and let the next guy worry about it (might work fine in Ye Olde Afghanistan, but not against the Dreaded Deficit Default Dragon). So much for his crack advice team, thought the goode king, also thinking he could ask advice from Sir Dennis the Elfin who usually acted like he was ON crack, but no... The solution, one that would unite Trolls, Ogres, Dwarves, Banshees, Pixies, Fat Cats and Muggles, plus Tea Baggers and assorted goblins and Ewoks, must come from him. After all, hadn’t he descended from a long line of Black Irish kings of Nod, even if the Tea Baggers STILL questioned his long-form birth certificate?
But I digress. Maybe he could sell the Dreaded Deficit Default Dragon to some sap third world country, but France had its own problems. How about selling it to the Gnomes? They lived high atop a golden mountain surrounded by chocolate (It wasn’t Willy Wanka Land but it was close). The Gnomes were the original Fat Cats, having been around in the wide world far longer than the Land of Nod. Their wealth was immense, the ultimate old money. It was said the Gnomes got their cash from the Knights Templar. Others said it was from the Illuminati, some speculated it came from winning big at Caesar’s Palace (the original don’t you know), still others figured the Ye Olde Travelocity gig was finally paying off. The Gnomes could certainly afford to buy and keep the beast, but to what purpose? The Gnomes passed.
King Barry O’ could try sell the Dreaded Deficit Default Dragon to Sir Warren the Buffeteria. Sir Warren was the richest dude in the wide world by a long shot. The Fattest of the Fat Cats. The Biggest of the Big. But Sir Warren and Prince Bill of Geeklahoma, among other of the uber-rich, were in the process of GIVING half their fortunes away to help stamp out diseases in third world countries and other lame ideas. They wouldn’t buy the Dreaded Deficit Default Dragon either.
What would Barry’s next move be? Who was big enough, stupendous enough, loved enough, popular enough, worshipped enough…other than Duke David Hasslehoff of course, to help him turn the tide, defeat the beast and bring peace, love and understanding to the mighty Land of Nod?
Don’t fail to miss our next exciting episode “Does the Name Oprah Ring a Bell?” Tune in for of Ancient Tales from the Land of Nod in SOMEWHERE OVER THE BELTWAY.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
SOMEWHERE OVER THE BELTWAY 8
SOMEWHERE OVER THE BELTWAY
Ancient Tales from the Land of Nod 8
Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away there was the most powerful nation the wide world had ever known, the Land of Nod and its king, Barry the First O’Bama. He was young, good-looking, hot wife and cute kids, a nice palace and a sweet left handed fade-away jump shot. Yet unless he could figure out how to save Nod from its enemies both foreign and domestic, he would be forever doomed to be stuck INSIDE THE BELTWAY.
To save Nod, King Barry needed buy-in from all the disparate entities that made up his government, Trolls, Ogres, Dwarves, Banshees, Pixies, Fat Cats and Muggles. In this endeavor, he had so far succeeded. But what was the plan, Stan? What REALLY would save Nod from the looming doom? How would King Barry defeat his arch nemesis…the Dreaded Deficit Default Dragon (yes, alliteration rocks)?
First he must “put everything on the table” (the latest media buzz phrase) and convince the Ogres and Trolls he meant EVERYTHING. No whining about entitlements or tax increases or the philosophies of said. The Dreaded Deficit Default Dragon didn’t care just as long as it got its ceiling raised to contain its growing bulk.
In the past, the Ogres and Trolls, both Left and Right Handed, had automatically raised the ceiling to allow the beast to grow, as that way everyone made a buck…err campaign contribution, wink, wink, nod, nod, say no more (my thanks to Ye Olde Monte Python for their gracious contribution).
But times they were ‘a changing. A new creature was threatening to alter the playing field, to end the status quo. That creature: the Tea-Bagger – genus extremis norquistis nascaris Tea-Baggers were a faction of the Right-handed Troll and Ogre caucuses. Their body politic was skewed so far Right their hands wound up positioned on their backs, which meant they could only look backward to see what they were doing. This seemed perfectly logical to many a Right-handed Troll and Ogre, who approved of the Tea-Baggers. And especially the shekels, rubles, ducats, and Benjamin’s provided to agreeable Right-handed Trolls and Ogres by good, common, salt-of-the-earth Tea - Bagger folk like Ye Olde Koch Brothers and Sir Roger of Ailes, grassroots, don’t you know.
Tea-Baggers wanted to shrink the Dreaded Deficit Default Dragon just like everyone else, but on their terms, period. And were apparently willing to wreck the agreement King Barry had so skillfully and arduously crafted, if they didn’t get their way. Yes, they were going to take their ball and go home.
King Barry’s first thought was to simply feed the Tea-Baggers to the Dreaded Deficit Default Dragon (and let’s face it, no jury in the world would convict him). But that wouldn’t solve the problem (though things around Nod would be a lot less noisy). The Dreaded Deficit Default Dragon must be defeated once and for all. That meant getting Right and Left-Handed Trolls, Ogres, Dwarves, Banshees, Pixies, Fat Cats and Muggles, plus the wayyyy Right-Handed Tea Baggers all to do the next right thing for Nod…monkeys flying out of King Barry’s butt was a far more likely occurrence.
What will become of good King Barry and the Beltway denizens? Will he somehow overcome enormous obstacles to slay the Dreaded Deficit Default Dragon? Tune in next time for of Ancient Tales from the Land of Nod in SOMEWHERE OVER THE BELTWAY.
Ancient Tales from the Land of Nod 8
Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away there was the most powerful nation the wide world had ever known, the Land of Nod and its king, Barry the First O’Bama. He was young, good-looking, hot wife and cute kids, a nice palace and a sweet left handed fade-away jump shot. Yet unless he could figure out how to save Nod from its enemies both foreign and domestic, he would be forever doomed to be stuck INSIDE THE BELTWAY.
To save Nod, King Barry needed buy-in from all the disparate entities that made up his government, Trolls, Ogres, Dwarves, Banshees, Pixies, Fat Cats and Muggles. In this endeavor, he had so far succeeded. But what was the plan, Stan? What REALLY would save Nod from the looming doom? How would King Barry defeat his arch nemesis…the Dreaded Deficit Default Dragon (yes, alliteration rocks)?
First he must “put everything on the table” (the latest media buzz phrase) and convince the Ogres and Trolls he meant EVERYTHING. No whining about entitlements or tax increases or the philosophies of said. The Dreaded Deficit Default Dragon didn’t care just as long as it got its ceiling raised to contain its growing bulk.
In the past, the Ogres and Trolls, both Left and Right Handed, had automatically raised the ceiling to allow the beast to grow, as that way everyone made a buck…err campaign contribution, wink, wink, nod, nod, say no more (my thanks to Ye Olde Monte Python for their gracious contribution).
But times they were ‘a changing. A new creature was threatening to alter the playing field, to end the status quo. That creature: the Tea-Bagger – genus extremis norquistis nascaris Tea-Baggers were a faction of the Right-handed Troll and Ogre caucuses. Their body politic was skewed so far Right their hands wound up positioned on their backs, which meant they could only look backward to see what they were doing. This seemed perfectly logical to many a Right-handed Troll and Ogre, who approved of the Tea-Baggers. And especially the shekels, rubles, ducats, and Benjamin’s provided to agreeable Right-handed Trolls and Ogres by good, common, salt-of-the-earth Tea - Bagger folk like Ye Olde Koch Brothers and Sir Roger of Ailes, grassroots, don’t you know.
Tea-Baggers wanted to shrink the Dreaded Deficit Default Dragon just like everyone else, but on their terms, period. And were apparently willing to wreck the agreement King Barry had so skillfully and arduously crafted, if they didn’t get their way. Yes, they were going to take their ball and go home.
King Barry’s first thought was to simply feed the Tea-Baggers to the Dreaded Deficit Default Dragon (and let’s face it, no jury in the world would convict him). But that wouldn’t solve the problem (though things around Nod would be a lot less noisy). The Dreaded Deficit Default Dragon must be defeated once and for all. That meant getting Right and Left-Handed Trolls, Ogres, Dwarves, Banshees, Pixies, Fat Cats and Muggles, plus the wayyyy Right-Handed Tea Baggers all to do the next right thing for Nod…monkeys flying out of King Barry’s butt was a far more likely occurrence.
What will become of good King Barry and the Beltway denizens? Will he somehow overcome enormous obstacles to slay the Dreaded Deficit Default Dragon? Tune in next time for of Ancient Tales from the Land of Nod in SOMEWHERE OVER THE BELTWAY.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
SOMEWHERE OVER THE BELTWAY 7
SOMEWHERE OVER THE BELTWAY
Ancient Tales from the Land of Nod 7
Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away there lived a mighty king. His name was King Barry the First O’Bama and he was the leader of the most powerful nation the wide world had ever known, the Land of Nod. Yet unless he could figure out how to save Nod from its enemies both foreign and domestic, he would be forever doomed to be stuck INSIDE THE BELTWAY.
Muggles inside the Beltway….everywhere. Muggles infested virtually every government building inside the Beltway. They were impossible to eradicate….all that Civil Service protection, don’t you know. Muggles were not magical, Muggles were dull, boring, dispirited, detached (sort of like Pat Sajak on a good day), prone to bouts of miasma. Unfortunately Muggles were the worker bees of the capital. They were of the genus “mugglis rollingsish bureaucratis.” Bad actors indeed. Their relatives had been taking down empires since time out of mind, mostly by clogging the arteries of government and commerce with their bloated, obese agenda. They were sort of the Big Mac and cheese fries of inside the Beltway.
While the Trolls and Ogres passed gas instead of laws, Muggles took care of the day-to-days stuff….sort of like Santa’s elves (no relation) did for the big guy. When a law actually did get passed, Muggles made it fit the system, made it work, made it reflect the will of the people... OK I was lying about the last three…Muggles made sure a new law would fit their orthodoxy…”all change is bad” and their mantra “doing nothing helps me keep my gig.” Muggles would never think of moving anybody’s cheese (though Trolls were known to cut the cheese rather consistently).
King Barry O’ needed the Muggles buy-in if he was going to save Nod. Muggles would do the dirty work of implementing whatever plan he and his stakeholders finally agreed upon. Muggles were crucial to Barry O’Bama’s success. What could he offer them to get them to actually do something other than fight among themselves over whose office window or desk was bigger (they were really into that whole “size matters” thing).
So the good king sought out his expert in all things Muggle, Sir Harry of Hogwarts. Sir Harry, with his book and movie deals winding down, was keen to help Barry O’ with his Muggle problem. He explained it thusly: “Muggles love magic, Muggles are not magical. Muggles yearn to become magical. By convincing them that you have granted them powers magical, they will align with you in a Gryffindor minute.” King Barry, who was an expert in this sort of “sleight of hand” (just look at his Ye Olde Health Care Plan), thought it an excellent idea.
King Barry decided to take swift action. He flew high above the city in a hot air (provided by Sir Mitch of the Bourbon State…one he seemed to be in a lot lately) balloon, and with a wave from Sir Harry’s magic wand (there’s gotta’ be an Anthony Weiner pun in there somewhere), Barry the First spoke the magic word “seniority” and the Muggles instantly believed they were endowed (another Weiner joke) with the power of invisibility. This was not tough for Barry to pull off as Muggles were faceless and nameless to begin with. Muggles were delighted with their new power, which gave them the ability to stay under the radar until they retired with big fat government pensions and whatever under the table payments they’d acquired over the years.
With Muggle backing, King Barry could move forward with his plan to save Nod. How will King Barry fare? Don’t fail to miss the next exciting episode of Ancient Tales from the Land of Nod in SOMEWHERE OVER THE BELTWAY.
Ancient Tales from the Land of Nod 7
Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away there lived a mighty king. His name was King Barry the First O’Bama and he was the leader of the most powerful nation the wide world had ever known, the Land of Nod. Yet unless he could figure out how to save Nod from its enemies both foreign and domestic, he would be forever doomed to be stuck INSIDE THE BELTWAY.
Muggles inside the Beltway….everywhere. Muggles infested virtually every government building inside the Beltway. They were impossible to eradicate….all that Civil Service protection, don’t you know. Muggles were not magical, Muggles were dull, boring, dispirited, detached (sort of like Pat Sajak on a good day), prone to bouts of miasma. Unfortunately Muggles were the worker bees of the capital. They were of the genus “mugglis rollingsish bureaucratis.” Bad actors indeed. Their relatives had been taking down empires since time out of mind, mostly by clogging the arteries of government and commerce with their bloated, obese agenda. They were sort of the Big Mac and cheese fries of inside the Beltway.
While the Trolls and Ogres passed gas instead of laws, Muggles took care of the day-to-days stuff….sort of like Santa’s elves (no relation) did for the big guy. When a law actually did get passed, Muggles made it fit the system, made it work, made it reflect the will of the people... OK I was lying about the last three…Muggles made sure a new law would fit their orthodoxy…”all change is bad” and their mantra “doing nothing helps me keep my gig.” Muggles would never think of moving anybody’s cheese (though Trolls were known to cut the cheese rather consistently).
King Barry O’ needed the Muggles buy-in if he was going to save Nod. Muggles would do the dirty work of implementing whatever plan he and his stakeholders finally agreed upon. Muggles were crucial to Barry O’Bama’s success. What could he offer them to get them to actually do something other than fight among themselves over whose office window or desk was bigger (they were really into that whole “size matters” thing).
So the good king sought out his expert in all things Muggle, Sir Harry of Hogwarts. Sir Harry, with his book and movie deals winding down, was keen to help Barry O’ with his Muggle problem. He explained it thusly: “Muggles love magic, Muggles are not magical. Muggles yearn to become magical. By convincing them that you have granted them powers magical, they will align with you in a Gryffindor minute.” King Barry, who was an expert in this sort of “sleight of hand” (just look at his Ye Olde Health Care Plan), thought it an excellent idea.
King Barry decided to take swift action. He flew high above the city in a hot air (provided by Sir Mitch of the Bourbon State…one he seemed to be in a lot lately) balloon, and with a wave from Sir Harry’s magic wand (there’s gotta’ be an Anthony Weiner pun in there somewhere), Barry the First spoke the magic word “seniority” and the Muggles instantly believed they were endowed (another Weiner joke) with the power of invisibility. This was not tough for Barry to pull off as Muggles were faceless and nameless to begin with. Muggles were delighted with their new power, which gave them the ability to stay under the radar until they retired with big fat government pensions and whatever under the table payments they’d acquired over the years.
With Muggle backing, King Barry could move forward with his plan to save Nod. How will King Barry fare? Don’t fail to miss the next exciting episode of Ancient Tales from the Land of Nod in SOMEWHERE OVER THE BELTWAY.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
SOMEWHERE OVER THE BELTWAY 6
SOMEWHERE OVER THE BELTWAY
Ancient Tales from the Land of Nod 6
Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away there lived a mighty king. His name was King Barry the First O’Bama and the dude RULED. He was the leader of the most powerful nation the wide world had ever known, the Land of Nod. Yet he was beset on all sides. Nod was in the proverbial crapper (named for the guy that invented it, Sir Thomas Toilet) and unless he could figure out how to save Nod, he would be forever doomed to be stuck INSIDE THE BELTWAY.
You may remember the last time we left our boy Barry O’ he was cementing a deal with the Pixies and their bosses, the dreaded Fat Cats….so what were a few Dwarf souls?….they weren’t using them anyway. King Barry must now contend with the Banshees, the loudest, most pervasive, invasive, and insidious creatures of them all…shaped with Medusa-like heads (with plenty of mousse), Siren-like voices, Cyclops-like thinking, (man this is turning into quite the odyssey…sorry), and Irish-like Blarney. Banshees were the wailers and criers, spouting doom and gloom, death and destruction, if it bleeds it leads. Yes, the Banshees were Ye Olde Media. A mindless, vengeful, angry, ugly, inane beast (and that’s just Faux News), a Banshee could be trusted to misquote you, edit out the good parts to make you look bad, and bitch about the bad hair day they were having.
The Banshees had brought down kings and parliaments, Trolls and Ogres of all stripes, Fat Cats, even the occasional Dwarf (Abe the Fortus). Their weapon: investigative reporting, e.g. digging up dirt on one and all. To paraphrase the famous minstrel Sir Don of Henley “kick ’em while they’re up, kick ‘em when they’re down” was their credo, and they relished it. The Banshees came in all shapes and sizes; from the petite - Dame Katie of Couric, to the obese - Count Rush of Oxy-land. But they all had one thing in common: they each spewed as much noxious gas as Ye Olde Exxon-Mobile or a junior high school boy’s locker room.
The Banshees had recently taken out a king, Milhous the Jowly, he of Ye Olde Plumbers and Ye Olde Inne at the Water Gate fame, Left-Handed Trolls like Tony the Weiner, Right-Handed Ogres like Sir Ensign of Caesar’s Palace, even the occasional Fat Cat – Sir Bernie of Madeoffwithaboatload. They were to be feared.
So how was King Barry O’Bama going to gain consensus from these most fractious of creatures? How could he win them over? What could he afford to give them? What did the Banshees REALLY desire above all else? Access.
That was the Banshees dirty little secret. They cared not for power, money, sex, the usual trappings of the uber-rich…the Banshees wanted to be wanted, included, a part of (abet a special part of), one of the guys…access to the Inner Circle.
See, for all their bluster, brashness and confidence, the Banshees were never the “popular kids” in school and it scarred them for life. So to make up for zits and no prom dates in high school, the Banshees turned to Ye Olde Media to take it out on the Trips and Heathers. King Barry was one of the popular kids and used it to his advantage. He invited the Top Banshees like Sir Brian of the Jaw, Sir Wolfe the Blitzed, and Dame Diane the Sawyer to his nice white house where he wined and dined them, treated them like they weren’t nerds, and then the coup de Grasse…tickets to Empress Oprah’s next show. The Banshees were Barry’s.
What’s King Barry’s next act? Who has to be cajoled next for Nod to be saved? Does the term “saved by the Muggles” ring a bell? Didn’t think so. Oh well, tune in next time for of Ancient Tales from the Land of Nod in SOMEWHERE OVER THE BELTWAY.
Ancient Tales from the Land of Nod 6
Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away there lived a mighty king. His name was King Barry the First O’Bama and the dude RULED. He was the leader of the most powerful nation the wide world had ever known, the Land of Nod. Yet he was beset on all sides. Nod was in the proverbial crapper (named for the guy that invented it, Sir Thomas Toilet) and unless he could figure out how to save Nod, he would be forever doomed to be stuck INSIDE THE BELTWAY.
You may remember the last time we left our boy Barry O’ he was cementing a deal with the Pixies and their bosses, the dreaded Fat Cats….so what were a few Dwarf souls?….they weren’t using them anyway. King Barry must now contend with the Banshees, the loudest, most pervasive, invasive, and insidious creatures of them all…shaped with Medusa-like heads (with plenty of mousse), Siren-like voices, Cyclops-like thinking, (man this is turning into quite the odyssey…sorry), and Irish-like Blarney. Banshees were the wailers and criers, spouting doom and gloom, death and destruction, if it bleeds it leads. Yes, the Banshees were Ye Olde Media. A mindless, vengeful, angry, ugly, inane beast (and that’s just Faux News), a Banshee could be trusted to misquote you, edit out the good parts to make you look bad, and bitch about the bad hair day they were having.
The Banshees had brought down kings and parliaments, Trolls and Ogres of all stripes, Fat Cats, even the occasional Dwarf (Abe the Fortus). Their weapon: investigative reporting, e.g. digging up dirt on one and all. To paraphrase the famous minstrel Sir Don of Henley “kick ’em while they’re up, kick ‘em when they’re down” was their credo, and they relished it. The Banshees came in all shapes and sizes; from the petite - Dame Katie of Couric, to the obese - Count Rush of Oxy-land. But they all had one thing in common: they each spewed as much noxious gas as Ye Olde Exxon-Mobile or a junior high school boy’s locker room.
The Banshees had recently taken out a king, Milhous the Jowly, he of Ye Olde Plumbers and Ye Olde Inne at the Water Gate fame, Left-Handed Trolls like Tony the Weiner, Right-Handed Ogres like Sir Ensign of Caesar’s Palace, even the occasional Fat Cat – Sir Bernie of Madeoffwithaboatload. They were to be feared.
So how was King Barry O’Bama going to gain consensus from these most fractious of creatures? How could he win them over? What could he afford to give them? What did the Banshees REALLY desire above all else? Access.
That was the Banshees dirty little secret. They cared not for power, money, sex, the usual trappings of the uber-rich…the Banshees wanted to be wanted, included, a part of (abet a special part of), one of the guys…access to the Inner Circle.
See, for all their bluster, brashness and confidence, the Banshees were never the “popular kids” in school and it scarred them for life. So to make up for zits and no prom dates in high school, the Banshees turned to Ye Olde Media to take it out on the Trips and Heathers. King Barry was one of the popular kids and used it to his advantage. He invited the Top Banshees like Sir Brian of the Jaw, Sir Wolfe the Blitzed, and Dame Diane the Sawyer to his nice white house where he wined and dined them, treated them like they weren’t nerds, and then the coup de Grasse…tickets to Empress Oprah’s next show. The Banshees were Barry’s.
What’s King Barry’s next act? Who has to be cajoled next for Nod to be saved? Does the term “saved by the Muggles” ring a bell? Didn’t think so. Oh well, tune in next time for of Ancient Tales from the Land of Nod in SOMEWHERE OVER THE BELTWAY.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
SOMEWHERE OVER THE BELTWAY 5
SOMEWHERE OVER THE BELTWAY
Ancient Tales from the Land of Nod 5
Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away there lived a mighty king. His name was King Barry the First O’Bama (black Irish, don’t ya’ know) and he was the most powerful potentate in the wide world. Yet he was beset on all sides in the Land of Nod, for he was forever doomed to be stuck INSIDE THE BELTWAY.
You remember the last time we met King Barry, he had just concluded an “arrangement” with the 9 Dwarves whereby they would agree to support him in his quest to save the Land of Nod from the evils that beset it. With the Trolls and Ogres also along for the ride, the good king could next confront the dreaded Pixies and their magic gold Pixie dust. The Pixies were equal opportunity dusters, offering their favors and spreading the wealth to all willing to partake. All the Pixies asked in return was your soul. And since the Trolls and Ogres didn’t have souls and the 9 Dwarves weren’t using theirs anyway, it seemed a good deal for one and all.
The Pixies inhabited numerous and sundry Beltway “lobbies,” where they dispensed their nefarious dust. Trolls, Ogres, Orcs, Banshees, Fairies, Gremlins, Leprechauns and the assorted Klingon lined up en masse to partake in the never-ending orgy of dust dispensing. The Pixies dust came from their patrons, the Fat Cats, who had the wide world concession for gold dust and its bi-products, i.e. power, wealth, control, and 50 yard line seats at Ye Olde Redskins games. They also got to suck the souls from the Pixies, which is not only great alliteration, but could conceptually be a winner with the “Twilight” crowd.
The Fat Cats had always been THE major players in the Land of Nod, because, as the axiom goes: “remember the golden rule…those with the gold rule.” The Fat Cats were investment bankers, the Koch Brothers, the Ringling Brothers, the Warner Brothers, hedge fund managers, Illuminati, captains of industry, Rothschilds, dot comers, Warren Buffett, the pope, Dick Cheney, and the International Zionist conspiracy. For all practical purposes, they owned EVERYTHING… everything that wasn’t owned by Beatrice, anyway.
The Pixies were happy to do the Fat Cats bidding because they got a taste of all the Pixie dust they distributed. Naturally, the Trolls, Ogres, Orcs, Banshees, Fairies, Gremlins, Leprechauns and assorted Klingons were delighted to double dip at the public trough and were happy to give up their souls.
So how could good King Barry O’ get not only the Pixies, but the Fat Cats as well to play nice for the good of Nod? Find the one weakness that would turn them. But what? Simple...self-preservation. Without a Land of Nod, there’d be no Beltway, no dismal swamp, no reeking corner of the wide world where the Trolls, Ogres, Orcs, Banshees, Fairies, Gremlins, Leprechauns and the assorted Klingon plus the Pixies and the Fat Cats could all hang out in one glorious parasitic morass. They simply had no choice but to go along with the king.
Good King Barry O’ had overcome enormous challenges to get most of the stakeholders (is that what you’d call Buffy the Vampire Slayer? just curious) to back his move to save Nod. But perhaps his biggest obstacle was yet to come….the Banshees. Don’t fail to miss the next exciting episode of Ancient Tales from the Land of Nod in SOMEWHERE OVER THE BELTWAY.
Ancient Tales from the Land of Nod 5
Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away there lived a mighty king. His name was King Barry the First O’Bama (black Irish, don’t ya’ know) and he was the most powerful potentate in the wide world. Yet he was beset on all sides in the Land of Nod, for he was forever doomed to be stuck INSIDE THE BELTWAY.
You remember the last time we met King Barry, he had just concluded an “arrangement” with the 9 Dwarves whereby they would agree to support him in his quest to save the Land of Nod from the evils that beset it. With the Trolls and Ogres also along for the ride, the good king could next confront the dreaded Pixies and their magic gold Pixie dust. The Pixies were equal opportunity dusters, offering their favors and spreading the wealth to all willing to partake. All the Pixies asked in return was your soul. And since the Trolls and Ogres didn’t have souls and the 9 Dwarves weren’t using theirs anyway, it seemed a good deal for one and all.
The Pixies inhabited numerous and sundry Beltway “lobbies,” where they dispensed their nefarious dust. Trolls, Ogres, Orcs, Banshees, Fairies, Gremlins, Leprechauns and the assorted Klingon lined up en masse to partake in the never-ending orgy of dust dispensing. The Pixies dust came from their patrons, the Fat Cats, who had the wide world concession for gold dust and its bi-products, i.e. power, wealth, control, and 50 yard line seats at Ye Olde Redskins games. They also got to suck the souls from the Pixies, which is not only great alliteration, but could conceptually be a winner with the “Twilight” crowd.
The Fat Cats had always been THE major players in the Land of Nod, because, as the axiom goes: “remember the golden rule…those with the gold rule.” The Fat Cats were investment bankers, the Koch Brothers, the Ringling Brothers, the Warner Brothers, hedge fund managers, Illuminati, captains of industry, Rothschilds, dot comers, Warren Buffett, the pope, Dick Cheney, and the International Zionist conspiracy. For all practical purposes, they owned EVERYTHING… everything that wasn’t owned by Beatrice, anyway.
The Pixies were happy to do the Fat Cats bidding because they got a taste of all the Pixie dust they distributed. Naturally, the Trolls, Ogres, Orcs, Banshees, Fairies, Gremlins, Leprechauns and assorted Klingons were delighted to double dip at the public trough and were happy to give up their souls.
So how could good King Barry O’ get not only the Pixies, but the Fat Cats as well to play nice for the good of Nod? Find the one weakness that would turn them. But what? Simple...self-preservation. Without a Land of Nod, there’d be no Beltway, no dismal swamp, no reeking corner of the wide world where the Trolls, Ogres, Orcs, Banshees, Fairies, Gremlins, Leprechauns and the assorted Klingon plus the Pixies and the Fat Cats could all hang out in one glorious parasitic morass. They simply had no choice but to go along with the king.
Good King Barry O’ had overcome enormous challenges to get most of the stakeholders (is that what you’d call Buffy the Vampire Slayer? just curious) to back his move to save Nod. But perhaps his biggest obstacle was yet to come….the Banshees. Don’t fail to miss the next exciting episode of Ancient Tales from the Land of Nod in SOMEWHERE OVER THE BELTWAY.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
SOMEWHERE OVER THE BELTWAY 4
SOMEWHERE OVER THE BELTWAY
Ancient Tales from the Land of Nod 4
Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away in the Land of Nod, King Barry was in a quandary (which is just south of the 7-11 in Lafayette Circle). The Trolls and the Ogres had both agreed to work with the good king to save Nod, and their collective bacon. Now Barry the First O’Bama must figure out how to get the 9 Dwarves to provide their stamp of approval, not an easy task given the 9 Dwarves made the Trolls and Ogres look like ye olde Mandela, Mother Teresa and Gandhi by comparison. The 9, as they were sometimes called by Tolkien fans, wore dark robes, stayed in “chambers,” and mostly talked like Darth Vader with a cold except Dwarf Clarence, whose voice was more R2D2ish.
The 9 were Sleepy, Dopey, Doc, Eenie, Meenie, Minie, Dasher, Dancer, and Clarence. There were two female dwarves (dwarf women are not even attractive to dwarf guys, I’m just sayin’), 2 dwarves from the aforementioned “family:” Antonin the Enforcer and Sammy the Suck-up, three white guys (Eenie, Meenie, and Minie) and a wise Latina. The 9 Dwarves held court in an impenetrable fortress called “lifetime appointment,” they were there for the duration. Over the centuries, Nod’s Kings had waged war on the 9 on many occasions. Those kings were long gone yet the Dwarves stayed, much like cockroaches, Kudzu, and the heartbreak of psoriasis.
So how could King Barry cajole the Dwarves into joining him to save the Land of Nod from the disaster looming? This was going to take some Strategery, as his predecessor King George the Dim ll, liked to say. Barry couldn’t beat them on the links like the Trolls (the 9 were notoriously afraid of the light…all their deliberations were done behind closed doors, under those black robes); he couldn’t bribe them like the Ogres. Campaign contributions (they didn’t campaign) and earmarks (the 9 had no ears and eyes that glowed red) were non-starters, wine, women, and song a long shot….though with female dwarves…. Err I digress.
The female dwarves, the wise Latina and one of the white guys (eenie?) were on the Kings side. All Barry had to do was flip one of the other Dwarves (not an easy task as these are clumsy dudes even by Dwarf standards), have one of them “whacked” (unlikely as the guys King Barry would get to do the whacking, ex-ye olde IRA guys had an “agreement with the Jersey “family”), or conspire to put a Dwarf spouse in a compromised position (number 47 in the Kama Sutra loose-leaf for those following at home). This turned out to be easier than King Barry could have imagined. Dwarf Clarence’s spouse apparently was a greedy little gremlin (theirs was a mixed marriage) who imagined herself as a queen (fill in your own punch line here) and was more than willing to accept gold dust from the Pixies (more on them next time) in return for Dwarf Clarence’s acquiescence to their wishes. That was a major no-no (even in the major no-no capitol in the wide world) and King Barry found out about it. He had a little chat with Dwarf Clarence. Threatened exposure, fine for a Troll, big time bad for a dwarf, and, son-of-a-gun, the 9 agreed to go along with King Barry.
The king now had the Trolls, Ogres, and Dwarves on his side. Next he must challenge the Pixies and their magic dust. How will King Barry fare? Don’t fail to miss the next exciting episode of Ancient Tales from the Land of Nod in SOMEWHERE OVER THE BELTWAY.
Ancient Tales from the Land of Nod 4
Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away in the Land of Nod, King Barry was in a quandary (which is just south of the 7-11 in Lafayette Circle). The Trolls and the Ogres had both agreed to work with the good king to save Nod, and their collective bacon. Now Barry the First O’Bama must figure out how to get the 9 Dwarves to provide their stamp of approval, not an easy task given the 9 Dwarves made the Trolls and Ogres look like ye olde Mandela, Mother Teresa and Gandhi by comparison. The 9, as they were sometimes called by Tolkien fans, wore dark robes, stayed in “chambers,” and mostly talked like Darth Vader with a cold except Dwarf Clarence, whose voice was more R2D2ish.
The 9 were Sleepy, Dopey, Doc, Eenie, Meenie, Minie, Dasher, Dancer, and Clarence. There were two female dwarves (dwarf women are not even attractive to dwarf guys, I’m just sayin’), 2 dwarves from the aforementioned “family:” Antonin the Enforcer and Sammy the Suck-up, three white guys (Eenie, Meenie, and Minie) and a wise Latina. The 9 Dwarves held court in an impenetrable fortress called “lifetime appointment,” they were there for the duration. Over the centuries, Nod’s Kings had waged war on the 9 on many occasions. Those kings were long gone yet the Dwarves stayed, much like cockroaches, Kudzu, and the heartbreak of psoriasis.
So how could King Barry cajole the Dwarves into joining him to save the Land of Nod from the disaster looming? This was going to take some Strategery, as his predecessor King George the Dim ll, liked to say. Barry couldn’t beat them on the links like the Trolls (the 9 were notoriously afraid of the light…all their deliberations were done behind closed doors, under those black robes); he couldn’t bribe them like the Ogres. Campaign contributions (they didn’t campaign) and earmarks (the 9 had no ears and eyes that glowed red) were non-starters, wine, women, and song a long shot….though with female dwarves…. Err I digress.
The female dwarves, the wise Latina and one of the white guys (eenie?) were on the Kings side. All Barry had to do was flip one of the other Dwarves (not an easy task as these are clumsy dudes even by Dwarf standards), have one of them “whacked” (unlikely as the guys King Barry would get to do the whacking, ex-ye olde IRA guys had an “agreement with the Jersey “family”), or conspire to put a Dwarf spouse in a compromised position (number 47 in the Kama Sutra loose-leaf for those following at home). This turned out to be easier than King Barry could have imagined. Dwarf Clarence’s spouse apparently was a greedy little gremlin (theirs was a mixed marriage) who imagined herself as a queen (fill in your own punch line here) and was more than willing to accept gold dust from the Pixies (more on them next time) in return for Dwarf Clarence’s acquiescence to their wishes. That was a major no-no (even in the major no-no capitol in the wide world) and King Barry found out about it. He had a little chat with Dwarf Clarence. Threatened exposure, fine for a Troll, big time bad for a dwarf, and, son-of-a-gun, the 9 agreed to go along with King Barry.
The king now had the Trolls, Ogres, and Dwarves on his side. Next he must challenge the Pixies and their magic dust. How will King Barry fare? Don’t fail to miss the next exciting episode of Ancient Tales from the Land of Nod in SOMEWHERE OVER THE BELTWAY.
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