SOMEWHERE OVER THE BELTWAY 4

SOMEWHERE OVER THE BELTWAY
Ancient Tales from the Land of Nod 4
Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away in the Land of Nod, King Barry was in a quandary (which is just south of the 7-11 in Lafayette Circle). The Trolls and the Ogres had both agreed to work with the good king to save Nod, and their collective bacon. Now Barry the First O’Bama must figure out how to get the 9 Dwarves to provide their stamp of approval, not an easy task given the 9 Dwarves made the Trolls and Ogres look like ye olde Mandela, Mother Teresa and Gandhi by comparison. The 9, as they were sometimes called by Tolkien fans, wore dark robes, stayed in “chambers,” and mostly talked like Darth Vader with a cold except Dwarf Clarence, whose voice was more R2D2ish.

The 9 were Sleepy, Dopey, Doc, Eenie, Meenie, Minie, Dasher, Dancer, and Clarence. There were two female dwarves (dwarf women are not even attractive to dwarf guys, I’m just sayin’), 2 dwarves from the aforementioned “family:” Antonin the Enforcer and Sammy the Suck-up, three white guys (Eenie, Meenie, and Minie) and a wise Latina. The 9 Dwarves held court in an impenetrable fortress called “lifetime appointment,” they were there for the duration. Over the centuries, Nod’s Kings had waged war on the 9 on many occasions. Those kings were long gone yet the Dwarves stayed, much like cockroaches, Kudzu, and the heartbreak of psoriasis.

So how could King Barry cajole the Dwarves into joining him to save the Land of Nod from the disaster looming? This was going to take some Strategery, as his predecessor King George the Dim ll, liked to say. Barry couldn’t beat them on the links like the Trolls (the 9 were notoriously afraid of the light…all their deliberations were done behind closed doors, under those black robes); he couldn’t bribe them like the Ogres. Campaign contributions (they didn’t campaign) and earmarks (the 9 had no ears and eyes that glowed red) were non-starters, wine, women, and song a long shot….though with female dwarves…. Err I digress.

The female dwarves, the wise Latina and one of the white guys (eenie?) were on the Kings side. All Barry had to do was flip one of the other Dwarves (not an easy task as these are clumsy dudes even by Dwarf standards), have one of them “whacked” (unlikely as the guys King Barry would get to do the whacking, ex-ye olde IRA guys had an “agreement with the Jersey “family”), or conspire to put a Dwarf spouse in a compromised position (number 47 in the Kama Sutra loose-leaf for those following at home). This turned out to be easier than King Barry could have imagined. Dwarf Clarence’s spouse apparently was a greedy little gremlin (theirs was a mixed marriage) who imagined herself as a queen (fill in your own punch line here) and was more than willing to accept gold dust from the Pixies (more on them next time) in return for Dwarf Clarence’s acquiescence to their wishes. That was a major no-no (even in the major no-no capitol in the wide world) and King Barry found out about it. He had a little chat with Dwarf Clarence. Threatened exposure, fine for a Troll, big time bad for a dwarf, and, son-of-a-gun, the 9 agreed to go along with King Barry.

The king now had the Trolls, Ogres, and Dwarves on his side. Next he must challenge the Pixies and their magic dust. How will King Barry fare? Don’t fail to miss the next exciting episode of Ancient Tales from the Land of Nod in SOMEWHERE OVER THE BELTWAY.