SOMEWHERE OVER THE BELTWAY 6

SOMEWHERE OVER THE BELTWAY
Ancient Tales from the Land of Nod 6

Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away there lived a mighty king. His name was King Barry the First O’Bama and the dude RULED. He was the leader of the most powerful nation the wide world had ever known, the Land of Nod. Yet he was beset on all sides. Nod was in the proverbial crapper (named for the guy that invented it, Sir Thomas Toilet) and unless he could figure out how to save Nod, he would be forever doomed to be stuck INSIDE THE BELTWAY.

You may remember the last time we left our boy Barry O’ he was cementing a deal with the Pixies and their bosses, the dreaded Fat Cats….so what were a few Dwarf souls?….they weren’t using them anyway. King Barry must now contend with the Banshees, the loudest, most pervasive, invasive, and insidious creatures of them all…shaped with Medusa-like heads (with plenty of mousse), Siren-like voices, Cyclops-like thinking, (man this is turning into quite the odyssey…sorry), and Irish-like Blarney. Banshees were the wailers and criers, spouting doom and gloom, death and destruction, if it bleeds it leads. Yes, the Banshees were Ye Olde Media. A mindless, vengeful, angry, ugly, inane beast (and that’s just Faux News), a Banshee could be trusted to misquote you, edit out the good parts to make you look bad, and bitch about the bad hair day they were having.

The Banshees had brought down kings and parliaments, Trolls and Ogres of all stripes, Fat Cats, even the occasional Dwarf (Abe the Fortus). Their weapon: investigative reporting, e.g. digging up dirt on one and all. To paraphrase the famous minstrel Sir Don of Henley “kick ’em while they’re up, kick ‘em when they’re down” was their credo, and they relished it. The Banshees came in all shapes and sizes; from the petite - Dame Katie of Couric, to the obese - Count Rush of Oxy-land. But they all had one thing in common: they each spewed as much noxious gas as Ye Olde Exxon-Mobile or a junior high school boy’s locker room.

The Banshees had recently taken out a king, Milhous the Jowly, he of Ye Olde Plumbers and Ye Olde Inne at the Water Gate fame, Left-Handed Trolls like Tony the Weiner, Right-Handed Ogres like Sir Ensign of Caesar’s Palace, even the occasional Fat Cat – Sir Bernie of Madeoffwithaboatload. They were to be feared.

So how was King Barry O’Bama going to gain consensus from these most fractious of creatures? How could he win them over? What could he afford to give them? What did the Banshees REALLY desire above all else? Access.

That was the Banshees dirty little secret. They cared not for power, money, sex, the usual trappings of the uber-rich…the Banshees wanted to be wanted, included, a part of (abet a special part of), one of the guys…access to the Inner Circle.

See, for all their bluster, brashness and confidence, the Banshees were never the “popular kids” in school and it scarred them for life. So to make up for zits and no prom dates in high school, the Banshees turned to Ye Olde Media to take it out on the Trips and Heathers. King Barry was one of the popular kids and used it to his advantage. He invited the Top Banshees like Sir Brian of the Jaw, Sir Wolfe the Blitzed, and Dame Diane the Sawyer to his nice white house where he wined and dined them, treated them like they weren’t nerds, and then the coup de Grasse…tickets to Empress Oprah’s next show. The Banshees were Barry’s.

What’s King Barry’s next act? Who has to be cajoled next for Nod to be saved? Does the term “saved by the Muggles” ring a bell? Didn’t think so. Oh well, tune in next time for of Ancient Tales from the Land of Nod in SOMEWHERE OVER THE BELTWAY.