SOMEWHERE OVER THE BELTWAY 7

SOMEWHERE OVER THE BELTWAY
Ancient Tales from the Land of Nod 7
Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away there lived a mighty king. His name was King Barry the First O’Bama and he was the leader of the most powerful nation the wide world had ever known, the Land of Nod. Yet unless he could figure out how to save Nod from its enemies both foreign and domestic, he would be forever doomed to be stuck INSIDE THE BELTWAY.

Muggles inside the Beltway….everywhere. Muggles infested virtually every government building inside the Beltway. They were impossible to eradicate….all that Civil Service protection, don’t you know. Muggles were not magical, Muggles were dull, boring, dispirited, detached (sort of like Pat Sajak on a good day), prone to bouts of miasma. Unfortunately Muggles were the worker bees of the capital. They were of the genus “mugglis rollingsish bureaucratis.” Bad actors indeed. Their relatives had been taking down empires since time out of mind, mostly by clogging the arteries of government and commerce with their bloated, obese agenda. They were sort of the Big Mac and cheese fries of inside the Beltway.

While the Trolls and Ogres passed gas instead of laws, Muggles took care of the day-to-days stuff….sort of like Santa’s elves (no relation) did for the big guy. When a law actually did get passed, Muggles made it fit the system, made it work, made it reflect the will of the people... OK I was lying about the last three…Muggles made sure a new law would fit their orthodoxy…”all change is bad” and their mantra “doing nothing helps me keep my gig.” Muggles would never think of moving anybody’s cheese (though Trolls were known to cut the cheese rather consistently).

King Barry O’ needed the Muggles buy-in if he was going to save Nod. Muggles would do the dirty work of implementing whatever plan he and his stakeholders finally agreed upon. Muggles were crucial to Barry O’Bama’s success. What could he offer them to get them to actually do something other than fight among themselves over whose office window or desk was bigger (they were really into that whole “size matters” thing).

So the good king sought out his expert in all things Muggle, Sir Harry of Hogwarts. Sir Harry, with his book and movie deals winding down, was keen to help Barry O’ with his Muggle problem. He explained it thusly: “Muggles love magic, Muggles are not magical. Muggles yearn to become magical. By convincing them that you have granted them powers magical, they will align with you in a Gryffindor minute.” King Barry, who was an expert in this sort of “sleight of hand” (just look at his Ye Olde Health Care Plan), thought it an excellent idea.

King Barry decided to take swift action. He flew high above the city in a hot air (provided by Sir Mitch of the Bourbon State…one he seemed to be in a lot lately) balloon, and with a wave from Sir Harry’s magic wand (there’s gotta’ be an Anthony Weiner pun in there somewhere), Barry the First spoke the magic word “seniority” and the Muggles instantly believed they were endowed (another Weiner joke) with the power of invisibility. This was not tough for Barry to pull off as Muggles were faceless and nameless to begin with. Muggles were delighted with their new power, which gave them the ability to stay under the radar until they retired with big fat government pensions and whatever under the table payments they’d acquired over the years.

With Muggle backing, King Barry could move forward with his plan to save Nod. How will King Barry fare? Don’t fail to miss the next exciting episode of Ancient Tales from the Land of Nod in SOMEWHERE OVER THE BELTWAY.