SOMEWHERE OVER THE BELTWAY 9

SOMEWHERE OVER THE BELTWAY

Ancient Tales from the Land of Nod 9

Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away there was the Land of Nod and its king, Barry the First O’Bama (truly Black Irish, so) the most powerful ruler in the wide world. He was king because he was young (his last opponent was Sir John McOldguy), good-looking (Sir John might have been - 117 years ago), a nice palace (Sir John had 7 of them but couldn’t remember where they were) and a sweet left handed fade-away jump shot (Sir John just faded away after 4:30 dinner at Luby’s). He should have had it all. Yet unless he could figure out how to save Nod from the Dreaded Deficit Default Dragon, he would be forever doomed to be stuck INSIDE THE BELTWAY.

So how does one slay the Dreaded Deficit Default Dragon, I hear you asking. King Barry was asking his advisors the same question: Sir Timothy of Goldman-Sacs, the Chancellor of the Exchequer suggested Ye Olde TARP 2.0 and was immediately flogged and driven from the room; Ye Olde Fed Chairman Ben the Bearded suggested they send a hobbit with a magic ring to do in the Dragon but got shouted down for being too derivative; King Barry’s Counselari, Joey the Mouth’s solution was to declare victory, go home and let the next guy worry about it (might work fine in Ye Olde Afghanistan, but not against the Dreaded Deficit Default Dragon). So much for his crack advice team, thought the goode king, also thinking he could ask advice from Sir Dennis the Elfin who usually acted like he was ON crack, but no... The solution, one that would unite Trolls, Ogres, Dwarves, Banshees, Pixies, Fat Cats and Muggles, plus Tea Baggers and assorted goblins and Ewoks, must come from him. After all, hadn’t he descended from a long line of Black Irish kings of Nod, even if the Tea Baggers STILL questioned his long-form birth certificate?

But I digress. Maybe he could sell the Dreaded Deficit Default Dragon to some sap third world country, but France had its own problems. How about selling it to the Gnomes? They lived high atop a golden mountain surrounded by chocolate (It wasn’t Willy Wanka Land but it was close). The Gnomes were the original Fat Cats, having been around in the wide world far longer than the Land of Nod. Their wealth was immense, the ultimate old money. It was said the Gnomes got their cash from the Knights Templar. Others said it was from the Illuminati, some speculated it came from winning big at Caesar’s Palace (the original don’t you know), still others figured the Ye Olde Travelocity gig was finally paying off. The Gnomes could certainly afford to buy and keep the beast, but to what purpose? The Gnomes passed.

King Barry O’ could try sell the Dreaded Deficit Default Dragon to Sir Warren the Buffeteria. Sir Warren was the richest dude in the wide world by a long shot. The Fattest of the Fat Cats. The Biggest of the Big. But Sir Warren and Prince Bill of Geeklahoma, among other of the uber-rich, were in the process of GIVING half their fortunes away to help stamp out diseases in third world countries and other lame ideas. They wouldn’t buy the Dreaded Deficit Default Dragon either.

What would Barry’s next move be? Who was big enough, stupendous enough, loved enough, popular enough, worshipped enough…other than Duke David Hasslehoff of course, to help him turn the tide, defeat the beast and bring peace, love and understanding to the mighty Land of Nod?

Don’t fail to miss our next exciting episode “Does the Name Oprah Ring a Bell?” Tune in for of Ancient Tales from the Land of Nod in SOMEWHERE OVER THE BELTWAY.